I still believe
by wren3
Summary: Miss Saigon from a different perspective Ellen's! Detailed summary inside. UPDATED WITH CHAPTER 10 August 1 2010!
1. Prologue

She had come, drawn by duty and by love, to offer help if she could. She wasn't 

supposed to be drawn in any further. But the aftermath – of the chaos of war, of the purest passion found in a most unlikely place-would impact on her, and on those she cared about, as her presence, too, would impact. And the result would be tragedy. These things we already know. We are told little else, and left to guess what has led her to this point, and how her future will unfold. So here is one possibility. The story of a woman who must test her strength against the world over and over before she can lay claim to happiness and the life she'd dreamed could be hers. 

Disclaimer: "Miss Saigon" is the work of Alain Boubil and Claude-Michel Schomberg. 

PG-13 rating is just a precaution. 

Please enjoy! Wren. 

****

Prologue

Bangkok: October, 1978. 

She can feel the sweat trickling between her shoulder blades and down to the small of her 

back. The weight of the humidity in the air –even this far into fall-presses down on her 

chest. But it isn't just the heat, she knows. It is what awaits them, when they arrive at 

their destination. And what has taken place leading up to this moment. The hotel room. 

Every second of that swift encounter is engraved on her being. Some things you can 

never forget. Never. 

The scenes of the city race by from the taxi window, oddly parallel to her whirling 

mind. And yet also mocking her. Reminding her of her foreigner status. Her outsider 

status, in more ways than one. 

__

I wasn't there three years ago. I haven't been in the midst of war, and I have no idea of how much she struggled or suffered.. But that doesn't mean I don't understand. It doesn't mean that I have miraculously escaped my own share of pain. She storms silently-always silently. 

The voice in her head is relentless: 

__

So you claim that which is the birthright of every living thing. As if it should give you a special claim, an entitlement, here? 

Oh God. True. Except she was invested, dammit. And if anyone thought that she would stand back and watch, and allow herself to be powerless.. 

__

That's just it, though, isn't it? The taunting whisper takes up again. _How much of what you've done is for the good of all involved, and how much because you just can't bear-_

Stop it. There's no other choice. Not for me, granted, but not for anyone else concerned as well, okay? 

A horn blares in the traffic nearby, jolting her back to the present. Outside, on the road, bicycles, rickshaws, and cars jostle one another. They move slowly now, closer, closer. To her apartment.

The sun continues to beat down, making the cab nearly unbearable. 

She turns, and glances over at the man beside her. He is looking out the window, too, lost in his own thoughts. She can see the nape of his neck with that familiar, touching vulnerability. Her heart, as ever, reaches out to him. She takes his hand in her own, and squeezes lightly. His gaze meets hers. Her throat burns, and her eyes sting with unshed tears. Her stomach roils in a terrible uncertainty. For at that moment she isn't at all convinced that all of their lives will be spared from ruin. Or that anything anyone could do would make any difference, would make this mess turn out right. If it came down to it, she was not even sure she could swear to keep the promises she'd made – the ones that came with marriage, right up to the ones she'd made just hours ago. Still, she has learned a long time ago how to hold on when the anchor is lost, and the wind rages. 

And so, Ellen looks into her husband's eyes, and she smiles reassuringly.


	2. Lambs in Spring

Chapter 1: "Lambs in Spring"

_August 1957: Carswell Air Force Base, Forth Worth, Texas_

The guest room was at the end of the hall in the Parker family's house. The room was hot in spite of the fan and the curtains drawn. It was dark and still. Three year old Ellen sat on the soft blue and white checkered quilt, squirming, while her grandmother finished braiding her long hair, so fair that it was very nearly white. Grandma smelled of lavender, and had gentle hands as she tied the green ribbon on Ellen's second pigtail.

"There. All ready to see your mother."

"Mommy"

"That's right. But there's one more thing. Give us a kiss."

Ellen kissed the smooth cheek. Her grandmother brushed her lips on Ellen's forehead, then ran her finger across the spot to remove the trace of lipstick, then held her close.

The front door opened

"Hi dad!" Ellen heard her older sister Alicia call from her own bedroom, her light footsteps toward the door."

"Go on, then." Grandma patted her bottom affectionately.

Ellen ran to the front hall as fast has her small legs could take her, to join Ally and her father.He scooped her up into his arms and tickled her. She giggled.

"There's my other favourite girl. Did you two have a good day?"

"Uh huh" Ellen answered. "Yeah we did. We went to the park." nine year old Ally added. "And you were good for Grandma?"

"Yes, they were,"Grandma answered, she had come to the hall after Ellen."

Thanks Mom. I really appreciate all your help."

"That's what I'm here for. Now you three had better get going to the hospital. I'll havedinner ready when you get back."

They made the drive to the hospital, where Ellen's mother and her new sister werestaying in the maternity ward. Little kids weren't allowed in, they could only talk to theirmothers from outside, through the window. Ellen missed Mommy, butGrandma told her that she would be home soon, with the baby.

"I wanted a brother." Ally complained, as they passed neat rows of houses, the tenderlycared for lawns nonetheless brown and scorched by the sun a month ago.

"Well, I wanted a son, too." Daddy answered . "But we may yet get our

wish, and if we don't, we'll be happy with what God gives us."

The car stopped, and Daddy lifted her up onto his strong shoulders, so that she felt hhisbristly blond hair on her arms as she hung on. If she looked up, she could see a perfect,brilliant, cloudless blue sky. Mommy was there at the window, waiting for them. She waved.

"Thank you for the picture, Ellen. It's beautiful," she called down from the second floor.

"Welcome. Mommy come home?"

"Soon, sweetheart." She held up her fingers,"This many days."

One, two three.

"Three!"

"That's right. Not long at all."

But it still seemed like a very long time to Ellen. At home, she only had a little bit of the dinner that Grandma made, and Grandma told her that she if she didn't eat, she would not get dessert. Ellen, rebuked, started to cry.

Grandma reached out to her.

"Hush, now. It's all right. I think we need to go to bed, if you're all done."

Ellen was so tired that for once she didn't disagree.

But the three days passed and, after a week away, her mother was coming home. Daddy didn't go to work Grandma shooed Ally and Ellen outside saying that she had cleaning to do.

It was just before lunchtime when they heard the familiar car pull into the driveway. A moment later, Daddy opened the back door. Inside the kitchen, Mommy was sitting at the table. A small bundle was in her arms. Ellen approached when Mommy smiled.

"Hi there. I missed you. But I have someone for you to meet. This is Laurel Elizabeth. Your sister."

Ellen stood on her tiptoes to look. The new baby looked funny - her face was squished, she had no hair. And she was so small.

"Can you believe that it wasn't so long ago you were that tiny?" Mommy whispered.

Ellen couldn't.

Later on, Ellen and Ally got to hold Laurel. They had to wash their hands very well first. And Mommy helped Ellen to make sure that she did it properly. She could not have known then what change the peacefully sleeping infant would bring, or the depth of the connection that was being knit, even at that moment, between them.

Ally admitted, "She's not so bad."

After lunch, Ally went out to play with her friends from across the street. Ellen stayed with Mommy as she fed and changed Laurel. She watched everything quietly, her eyes wide.

Then, at last, Mommy put the baby in the crib that was set up in her and Daddy's room. She sat down beside it, in the rocker that had been Ellen's as a baby, and Alicia's, and many others before that.

She held out her arms to Ellen and said simply

"Come here, dearest."

It was all Ellen needed. She went to her mother, and was lifted onto her lap. Into warmth, protection, and love.


	3. One to Grow On

_Lauren: Thanks! I'm glad you like it so far. It's true, I didn't find many "Miss Saigon" fics.._

_Broadway Poetess: Sorry! I didn't mean to! ;) Thanks for reading._

_Phantom Angel22: Thank you. Sorry it was so long between posts, but I will keep going, promise._

_Sorry that these responses are belated, as well!_

_Here's chapter two, at long last._

**Chapter 2: "One to grow on."**

_Spangdahlem Air Base, Eifel, Germany, January 1960_

The day Ellen turned six, she was woken by her whole family piling onto her bed, laughing. For breakfast, there were the waffles that Mommy made for each of her children to make their birthdays start out "special", she said. Ellen thought they were the best ever.

Daddy had to leave after they had eaten, because he had meetings with his unit, and training,

"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I wanted to be here today, so much."

"It's all right, Daddy."

Her stomach felt funny. But she knew Daddy's job was important. He had to protect America, even here far away in Germany, because of the Cold War, though Ellen didn't really understand what that meant when Mommy explained it. He bent and kissed the top of her sleep tousled head.

"I love you. You have a great day."

And she smiled and said,

"I will. Love you , too."

He said goodbye to Mommy, Laurel, and Ally. Then he was gone. It was a Saturday, so there was no school, and Ellen could play in the snow. She loved winter. This was the first one she remembered. It was almost always warm in Forth Worth, where she lived before.

She finished rolling a ball of snow for the bottom of a snowman when Mommy called her inside.

Ellen reluctantly came.

She took off her wet outside things, and Mommy put her warm hands gently to her red cheeks.

"Go on, now, and get changed. I'll be in to help you in a minute."

Ellen found her velvet party dress laid out on her bed, in the room she shared with Laurel. . It was blue, to match the colour of her eyes. "Like mine" Mommy would say. "You're the only one of my girls with blue eyes."

Ally and Laurel had the same dress, but Laurel's was green, and Ally's was red. They were for last Christmas, only a few weeks ago.

She put the dress on, and her lacy stockings. Mommy came in and helped her to finish. She tied Ellen's sash, and found her Mary Janes for her. Then, Mommy brushed her hair. It was cut short, now, to her chin, and so it had some curl at the ends. And after that, she added a ribbon.

After she was ready, Ellen sat as still as she could, trying her best not to muss herself. Her seat was on the sill of the large bay window. From that vantage point, she could watch for her friends to arrive for her party. The sky grew grey, and snowflakes began to fall Her breath frosted the glass as she waited, each moment seeming to go by so slowly.

Then, at last, she saw a car pull up. A dark haired child Ellen's age climbed out and came up the walkway with her mother. She was from four doors down the street.

"Mommy!" Ellen called "Stacey's here!"

"Why don't you go and answer the door?"

Ellen ran to do so.

Soon, a group of little girls followed Stacey, each in her best, with brightly wrapped gifts.

Ellen led her guests to the playroom, and they went through blind man's bluff, and musical chairs, and pin the tail on the donkey before they asked to play dolls. She said yes, because she didn't mind to share them, and liked dolls, after all. Besides, she had to be a good hostess, Mommy would not be happy with her if she wasn't. Then, Mommy called them to the table. She served them drinks using the tea set that was Ellen's favourite, with the roses on it. Some of them had tea, a milky chamomile for children, but some of the girls asked for juice. They ate finger sandwiches. After that, Ellen's mother brought out the cake. She'd been having too much to fun to think of it up until then, but in that moment, Ellen missed her father for he usually carried in the cake. Still it was a fleeting thought - her mother set the layered chocolate creation down in front of her and the seven candles-one to grow on-bathed her face in a warm glow.

And everyone began to sing:

_Happy birthday to you_

_Happy birthday to you_

_Happy birthday dear Ellen_

_Happy birthday to you..._


	4. Daddy's Little Soldier

**Hi to anyone still here! I'm sooo sorry it's taken such a long time to post the next chapter! A combination of real life, too many stories in too little time, and writers block for some passages is to be blamed :p The good news is that I have made quite a lot of progress, and so I'm pretty sure I can promise more regular posting! Yay! Thanks for the kind reviews! I have always liked Ellen too and am so enjoying filling in her life story from the possibilities we were given:D Yes, Mizamour, the child is Ellen, Chris' wife. Thanks again guys, and I promise I won't keep you waiting this long again. Author's note about this chapter: Ellen is getting older here, aware of more in the world, which meant a lot more research for me to make it as realistic as possible for the time in which Ellen grew up. Hope I didn't make many mistakes! (not being an expert on the US military nor the sixties, I did the best I could!) Thanks and hope you enjoy! **

**Chapter 3: Daddy's Little Soldier**

_Air Adminstration, Madrid, Spain, April, 1964. _

It was the first of the warm spring weather and it felt good against Ellen's skin. She

kicked her feet in the sand at the playground of her school, as she waited for her

sisters. She was getting impatient. She wanted to get home. She was excited about

the concert they were giving at school that night, and wanted to ask if she could go to

the sleepover party after.

She hoped that her parents would let her go. She had only been invited earlier today,

so she didn't know if her Dad would say yes. He said no an awful lot. Her best friend

Deborah had invited her.

Well, her best friend until one of them moved them away, that is. That was what it

was like when your father was in the military. Ellen wondered sometimes if it was the

same at Deborah's house.

If her parents would call a family meeting, if she could just tell by their faces. That

was what happened at Ellen's house. Or at least, that's what had happened the last

time, when Ellen was seven.

That's when they'd left Germany and come here, it was three years ago now.

So she expected the news of another tranfer to come again soon.

The 16th Air Force, which her Dad was a part of, had been stationed in Spain for three

years so it would be sooner rather than later. Ellen sometimes tried to listen to what

the grownups were talking about, when her Dad had his fellow officers over. It was

hard to do it without being seen though, and hard to follow what they were talking

about most of the time. They talked sometimes, still, about what had happened to

President Kennedy and the Future of the Country. Ellen knew about that. Her parents

and her sisters and her had all listened to the radio together, after he had been shot. The

next morning it was announced that the attack had proved fatal. At school her teacher

Senora Marquez had gravely begun the morning by saying "I would like your

attention on behalf of all our American students" And later, Senor Javerra, the kind

older man from next door had come over.

Ellen and her sisters talked with him and his wife often, since they had learned

Spanish in school and their parents still didn't really speak it well. Sometimes Senora

Javerra would have treats for them. On that day, Senor Javerra had come to invite them

over to watch the events unfold on his TV.

"It is a tragedy not just for your country, but for the world," he had said, by way of

explanation, clasping her mother's hand warmly.

The TV images were somehow worse than the radio. With Ally on one side and her Dad

on the other she watched. She was scared, confused, and sad. Everyone else was too,

she could tell from the feel of the room. How quiet everyone was. The stunned

expression they all shared.

Because it was... hard to feel or to understand anything about how something like this

could happen, so suddenly. Because they all knew that nothing would ever be

the same again.

But the other stuff her dad and friends talked about she couldn't really follow too well.

Just that it was about the _Generalisimo_, and Spain and how the regime was working

together with other countries.

But she never hard anything about what she needed to know. About when and where

they'd be sent next. She had a feeling that knowing ahead of time would make it easier.

She would miss her friends and her school. She hated the uniform, but

she liked her teachers though, and she got along all right with the kids in her class. There

were some like her and Deborah. They weren't housed on a base, but many of the

soldiers and their families lived in the same

area, so the kids were in school together.

Some of them had parents serving their governments overseas. Some were Spanish

nationals too.

She didn't want to leave. But that was part of her dad's duty, and her family's too. Her

Mom and Dad wouldn't want her to complain. It could be exciting too, she knew that, to

go to a new place and meet new people. To walk into an empty house that's new to you

and make it yours. That's what Mom had told her the last time. And she had said,

"Home is not a place, really, Ellen. It's something you carry with you. It's who you are,

and the people you love"

She remembered how her father had twirled her mother around the empty living

room of their apartment here in Madrid. Her mother's laughter, then, how she had

exclaimed "Oh it's beautiful!"

And then-gross- how they'd kissed for a really long time. But her mother was right all

the same.

Her thoughts were broken when she heard Laurel call out,

"Sorry Leen!". That was what Laurel and Ally called her, coming from Laurel's first attempts at saying her name properly. "I left my workbook and Ally'n me – "Ally and I" Ally corrected gently "Ally'n _I_ had to go back for it." Laurel finished.

Ellen sighed. Her younger sister never was good about keeping track of her things. But she just said,

"It's all right, Lor. Let's go! Let's go!"

Ellen hopped on her bike and rode just ahead of her sisters. It was only ten minutes to get home. They went that day along the side of the street that was opposite to their building. Ellen pedalled faster, knowing she was almost home, and got to the corner. She quickly looked both ways and coasted out into the street. She heard the squealing of brakes. She heard Ally scream her name. There was nothing else she remembered clearly until waking up in the white room with the bright light that made her head hurt badly.

She slowly focused on the people around her bed. Ally, Laurel, her Dad, in his dress uniform, and she remembered he'd been in a ceremonial that morning. But he was on leave for a week now. Ellen couldn't remember that he'd ever stayed at home for that long. Her mother smiling at her through her tears. Her cool hands stroked Ellen's hair.

"Hello, Dearest. I'm so glad to see you're awake. You gave us quite a scare."

The doctor came in to the room just then. When he opened the door she could hear someone outside crying, a man. _La nina_, he kept saying, _perdoneme. _ The doctor shut the door and came to her side. His warm eyes reassured her somewhat.

"What do you remember about what happened?" he asked her gently. She managed to shake her head. She couldn't say, couldn't remember.

He looked over at Ally. She looked paler than usual.   
"Ellen...she didn't see the car backing out of the spot in front of our building. It happened so fast. One minute...and she was lying there across the hood of the car."

Ellen's mother shivered and drew Ally closer. "Thank God the car wasn't going faster," her Mom whispered.

The doctor then examined Ellen, did all the normal doctor stuff, but was more careful, he doctor explained why he was looking into her eyes and asking her a lot of questions about herself, about where she was, the date, and like that. She had hit her head pretty hard and they wanted to make sure it wasn't serious.

"Can you tell me where else it hurts?"

"My leg."

She looked down and saw for the first time that it was wrapped up and splinted.

He nodded. "You'll have to go to X-ray and then probably get a cast. It seems you are one lucky young lady otherwise."

He turned to her parents.

"I'm admitting Ellen for the night to keep her under observation, just to be safe. But I think she'll be clear to go home tomorrow. I see no signs of anything that could concern us"

He made some notes in a file. "Ok, well, I will run this down to them, and I'll be back to check on you later. A nurse will come when they're ready for you."

"Thank you Doctor," her father said.

"You're welcome, Lieutenant."

They took the picture of her leg and then reset it which hurt very badly but only for a moment. Her mother held her while they did. Then she had to stay very still when the cast was put on. It felt kind of strange.

They gave her a grape popsicle when it was done, and told her that she had to keep it dry for six weeks, then it would be taken off. "Oh it will fly right by. And you'll have it filled with all of your friends' signatures by the time you come back." It seemed like such a long time. But at least it would be off by summer. She was given a hospital gown to replace her school clothes, and the bracelet. A kind young nurse wheeled her up to the ward where she would spend the night. Her family left, and then her parents came back a little while later with an overnight bag for her. They stayed with her until they the visiting hours were over. They couldn't stay over, the hospital wouldn't let them. But she was a big girl now, she knew she'd be all right. She was only a bit scared because she'd never been in hospital. They kissed her and hugged her good night, and promised to be back first thing in the morning.

"My brave girl." Her dad whispered, taking her in his arms. "Just promise me you'll always be more careful from now on." There was something in his voice that warmed her inside. She knew that it was just that he didn't show it that much.

"I will," she murmured, sleep beginning to overtake her.

But she didn't stay asleep for long. All the other kids made too much noise although it wasn't their fault. The nurses came around regularly and woke her up to make sure she was all right. Every part of her hurt, almost, and she was getting used to the cast, so she could not get comfortable. So she lay awake and cried a little, but quietly, as the events of the day really hit her. Because she kept thinking about all the things she would miss – the class concert, her dance recital. She tried to think of something else, to imagine something good, but without much success. But morning came and it was the same nurse that Ellen had liked from the afternoon before who got her up and helped her get ready. She really needed it because she couldn't really get around except in the wheelchair. Her leg didn't feel any better either. But also she was still very sore everywhere too. The previous day she hadn't noticed it. But she was all scraped and bruised along one side of her body. There was a big purple bump on her forehead and a big cut on her cheek that had required stitches, although she didn't remember that from yesterday. She was very tired too. But she ate breakfast, got washed and dressed and brushed her hair and put it back in a ponytail with the nurse's help. The doctor from the day before came to see her one more time. And her parents followed him. She'd never been so glad to see them in her life. The doctor signed her out. He gave her crutches and some medicine to help with the pain, with a prescription for more if need be. The doctor gave her mother some more instructions.

And then she was able to go home. Ally and Laurel were there in the waiting room. That made her smile. She'd forgotten that they had the morning off school because of a teachers' conference. They both hugged her hard, and they laughed and chatted, high spirited relief, as Ally wheeled Ellen outside. Laurel was excited about moving to the top bunk until Ellen was better. and carefully helped her into the car and made sure she was comfortable in the front seat. They got into the back with their mother. Ellen was finding her eyelids starting to get heavy. She was definitely looking forward to being back in the room she shared with her sisters. It had Ally's Beatles posters, Laurel's artwork from school and Ellen's photos – of her friends, of special occasions, her dance recitals, and everyday things she wanted to remember on the walls. With hers and Laurel's bunk bed and Ally's bed, and the desk and two dressers at the opposite ends, there wasn't a lot of extra space. But it was her space.

Sleep claimed her just as they were leaving. She stirred when the car stopped and they were home, a little. She felt her father lift her from the car and his kiss on the top of her head. Securely held in strong arms, she drifted off again as he carried her up the stairs to her bed.


	5. Chapter 4: Where every promise lands

Sorry it has been so long! But the good news is that I only have a few chapters left to write here and there, so posting should be pretty regular from now on I hope! Thanks so much Joyce and SporkGoddess for your comments :) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter

**Chapter 4: "Where every promise lands" **

_Vandenburg Air Force Base San Diego, California, August 1966_

_Ellen Marie Parker, if I have told you once, I've told you a thousand times, you will end _

_up with wrinkles if you don't keep the sun off your skin._

She heard her mother's voice in her head, and she knew that she would only burn if she

lay on the towel much longer, and then get freckles. She still was hoping to get a tan

though, because classes were starting in a few days and after all, Mom wasn't here. Ellen

and her sisters had gone with another family from the base for one last visit to the beach

before the fall. Mr and Mrs. Beatty and their three kids - the son James was the same

age as Ally, and twin girls -Samantha and Juliet-who were Laurel's age. At the

moment, though Ellen was alone. The Beattys were dozing. Ally was off somewhere

with James. And Laurel and the twins were in the water. She could see them from where

she was, playing in the surf, with a bunch of other kids. The ocean stretched out behind

them, further than the eye could see, glittering in the bright sun.

Ellen let her thoughts drift back to the previous winter, when they had moved to San

Diego.

Her first thought had been

_Dad signed up for the military, not us. It isn't fair! _

Ellen hated the idea of moving, more than she ever had before.. But there was no point to

complaining to anyone but herself. It would happen anyway, and she had learned it was

just easier not to say anything.

So it was that Ellen's family returned to the States, just in time for Christmas, just before

Ellen would turn thirteen. They had celebrated the holidays while waiting for their house

to be available, in a motel.

She remembered hearing her parents talk through the thin walls that night as she tried to

sleep beside a squirming Laurel. "My retirement is coming up. We'll be settled, have

everything we ever dreamed of, Maggie, I promise."

Her mother's laughter was warm.

Ellen breathed a sigh of relief - there had been a wall between her parents in the last little

while, or that's what it felt like. But it was gone now. Things would be much better.

And they were. Even at school. Ellen was nervous about starting classes. But, as it turned

It wasn't hard really, to look and act like the popular kids. And it helped that there was a

space on the cheerleading squad since one of the members had moved away at Christmas,

and Ellen was asked once the coach learned she danced. And although she would have

never admitted it - well you don't-, she liked her studies too. Especially Spanish, because

it felt like she was keeping a part of her old home with her. And because of her teacher.

Miss Escobar would give her extra work because she was so far ahead compared to the

others in her class, and she would tell her "You will go far, Ellen, if you aren't afraid to

use your mind."

Ellen thought she said the same kind of things to her other students as well, just by the

way they acted in her class. Miss Escobar had the way of making them listen, even when

they didn't want to. Ellen thought that she might like to be just like her when she was

older, and definitely hoped that she would be in Miss Escobar's class again next year.

Just then, Ellen was interrupted by cold water on her back.

"Come on Leen, I'm hungry!" Laurel exclaimed

"Thanks a lot, Lor!" she retorted. Lunch sounded like a good idea though, so they

unpacked the cooler their mother had fixed for them - she'd put in sodas, some chips,

carrot sticks and peanut butter sandwiches.

The Beatty family did the same. Afterwards, once the food had a chance to settle, Laurel

convinced Ellen to go in swimming. And they played with the beach ball, not a really

organized game, but one with lots of laughter.

Before Ellen knew it, the sun was getting a bit lower and it was time to pack up and head

home.

Later, Sam-a budding photographer already- gave Laurel a photo of that day, a candid

that no one had realized she'd taken. It was of the group of them around the picnic

blanket . Sam had captured the moment perfectly. Laurel was in a fit of giggles over

something Juliet had said and Ellen was trying to swallow a sip of her drink while joining

in. Ally and James were deeply absorbed in conversation, a chip bag between them.

Sergeant Beatty and his wife sat together on the two lawn chairs. Of course they didn't

know then that the photo would be taped in Laurel's locker at school for a while, and then

be tucked away. They didn't know that when they came upon it many years later, they

would wonder what had become of the Beattys and at how much time had passed since

the families had lost touch. They didn't know what it would feel like to see themselves

frozen in time, at a time in their lives where the change was so rapid. Three sisters, blond

heads, similar features, with almost ten years between the oldest and the youngest - it

might have been decades. One very much a child, one nearly a woman, and one

somewhere in between, all arms and legs. And most of all, they didn't know, then, that

the happiness of times like those is easy to lose and difficult to regain


	6. Chapter 5: Can't tell night from day

1Chapter 5: "Can't Tell Night From Day"

_Milwaukee Wisconsin April,1968 _

Outside, it was grey, cool morning, raining. But inside the First Methodist Church , the hymn

singing was at full force. Ellen stood silently between Laurel and her mother. Her Uncle

Matthew and his wife Aunt Jackie were across from her, with their kids Hannah and Kevin, and

her grandparents. She was glad that they were here. She knew that otherwise they would have

had no place at all to go. Every one else had told her Mom what she should do "Go back to your

husband." "Divorce is never right." (Only they didn't say it like that but Ellen didn't want to think

about what she'd actually heard)

But _they_ hadn't. They had just offered what help they could. Funny, but Ellen might never

have known that about her mother's family, she might never have known them if her Mom had

stayed with her Dad, and they kept moving, and living in far away places.

And she might not have seen how strong her mother was, or learned how to be strong herself.

Mom worked long hours to provide for them-she worked long hours at the job Uncle Matthew

had found for her, helping to care for the residents of a nursing home in their neighbourhood-

sometimes double shifts. She was doing classes too, to become a nurse. "We need to stand on our

two feet." she would say. Ellen knew she was right, and tried to do it too, for Mom's sake. But it

was so hard. Lonely, frightening. Everything was just wrong, since the day a year ago when

she'd come home from school-she'd arrived before her sisters, so it was only her and her mother.

Mom's eyes were red and she had hugged her tightly. She'd never talked about it. Ellen guessed

she wanted to protect her, and Ally and Laurel. But she wasn't a baby, and she thought

sometimes that she couldn't take the wondering. She thought about it a lot sometimes. She

thought maybe things would have been all right between her parents if Dad had actually been able

to retire soon after leaving Madrid and NATO. She remembered, if she thought back very

hard, when she was about seven, her mother was in the hospital for awhile. She said then

that it was "a trouble that some women have." Had she lost a baby? Maybe. Ellen

remembered one time Mom saying "We waited a long time for you dearest" and there

were six years between Ally and her.

There could have been others, she didn't know. Maybe there were things she still needed

to be older to understand, but she thought the sadness and the worry

might have been there for a long time. But mainly she was pretty sure her mother and

father had separated because her dad had found someone else. He had written once, this

year, soon after

he'd gone, to tell them that he was sorry, that he was following his heart. That they would

love to meet Faith and the new baby on the way eventually. That he would visit them

soon. But they hadn't heard from him again, not even on holidays or birthdays. But she

wasn't sure. All she was sure of was that her dad had packed his stuff and left, and so had

they shortly except Ally. She'd already started college in San Diego-after taking a year

out to work the year they had moved to California-and she didn't want to transfer. She

missed her older sister terribly, but Ellen understood why Ally needed to be away. She

hoped one day to do the same, which is why she tried to get good grades. She hardly

ever went out to parties or join in

anything the other kids were doing. That was partly because she was studying and partly

because she had the house to look after, and Laurel, who needed someone to watch out

for her and to talk to - she'd been hit very hard and wanted their Dad back.

_I do too Lor, I do too.._

And she doubted that she would be invited no matter what. Milwaukee was ok, too cold

in the winter, but it was so different, even the people were somehow different from

anyplace she remembered living. Not that she cared what they thought anyway, but she

had very little in common with her classmates and had come into their group too late, so

she had few friends to begin with, now. And there was no way to pay for something like

cheerleading anymore. She'd never thought she'd have to worry about something like

that, but now she did. She worried about a lot.

Sometimes her legs just felt so heavy, and she wished very hard that she didn't have to be

here in Wisconsin at all, and especially not in Church. Her Mom and Grandma and

Grandpa expected her to go, but she felt most uncomfortable here and could not, deep

inside if she was honest, participate. Once, she'd gone to Sunday School, and

learned about the Bible. Maybe she had even believed in it all. But not anymore.

The hymn ended and they sat back down. Her mother drew her close and she leaned

against her.

Then Mom bowed her head as the minister lead a prayer. Ellen did too, but she was not

praying to something that she couldn't even see, that was all powerful and all good but

would let a family be broken. She swallowed back her tears.

Oh yes. She was sure there couldn't be a God.


	7. Chapter 6: The Movie in my mind

1**Just thought I'd give a heads up that this chapter is starting to get into some sensitive, adult issues. Just so that anyone who can reads can do so informed. Thanks, hope you enjoy! **

**Chapter 6 "The movie in my mind" **

_Milwaukee, Wisconsin August, 1970_

The summer after Ellen turned 16 would be a turning point of sorts. It was the summer that she

was going with Mark Keller. He wasn't likely to have noticed Ellen - she

was a sophomore, and he a senior. Almost all of

the other girls found him good looking, his features, his grey eyes, and dark hair that was almost

black.. Even if he wasn't part of the most popular group of kids, didn't play on any sports team,

he was smart and ambitious, and they liked that as well.

But when he made the effort to talk to her - outside on the steps after class, or in the cafeteria at

lunch, she gradually come to realize that he did notice her, that she responded to the noticing.

And that they had more in common than she might have thought at the beginning. And later, she

began to recognize the heat that she felt when he was near for what it was. She thought she'd be

afraid to let it hold sway, but oddly enough, she wasn't when the opportunity presented itself the

first week of July the week Mark's parents were gone on vacation. When he led her up to his

bedroom, whispering that he could not live without her, that he'd be true to her, that after they'd

endured the separation of college, they'd have their future, she let him undress her.. And when

he moved close, hands urgently seeking her breasts, his mouth urgently seeking hers, she curled

her legs around him and allowed him inside her. And then, there was only the awesome strength

of that feeling, that moment, of Mark himself and what they could build together. She was

carried somewhere else - a place where three years of hurt were swept away, and she was

another person altogether.

It showed in her life that summer, those times-there was more than one-where she came to him.

It was there in everything she did - working with the kids at the drop in activity centre held in

the park of the local elementary school, babysitting, spending time with Laurel, who, at 13,

needed someone older, and female more than ever. So it was

Laurel who first said something. They were alone in the car, coming back from dropping

Laurel's best friend home, when Laurel suddenly asked.

"What's up with you? Oh.. I get it, that guy! Um, Mark. You've been talking about him for

ages!"

Her little sister sighed happily,

"Leen, Do you think I'll ever fall in love?"

"I'm sure you will Lor."

Soon, it was the second last week of the drop in camp, and the last for Ellen, because her time off

was That Monday, she awoke with a rebellious stomach. By the time she'd gotten her group

started on the craft, she knew that she had to make a dash for the bathroom.

It was Gillian, the supervisor, who followed her, concerned.

"Just wanted to make sure you were all right, Ellen."

"I must have caught the flu."

"Look, are you sure- I mean, there'd be no reason for you to believe that you were, you know,

pregnant?"

"Of course not." It couldn't be...but then, she couldn't remember when she'd last had her cycle...

"Silly of me to ask, I didn't honestly think... but it happens."

Ellen suddenly remembered that Gill was good friends with Cassie Dunlop, who had dropped out

of school to have a baby. She was in Mark's class, as was Gill, so this would have been her

graduating year.

"Anyway, I'll write the note that you went home."

"Yeah, I guess I'd better... I'm sorry though."

"Not your fault you're sick. Rest, and get better, okay?"

"Thanks, I will."

"Bye." Instinctively, she pressed a hand to her stomach. How could she-they-have been so

stupid?

Ellen ran home and curled on her bed, grateful for the empty house. For Laurel's invitation to

their grandparent's cabin. In the quiet stillness, she had the chance to consider what she would

do.

There was only one thing, really, she decided. She got up, made herself presentable and went

over to his house, she knew he'd be there, getting ready, packing.

Mark answered the door.

"Hey" he said, surprised. "I thought you had the camp."

"I left early."

He grinned, "Well, come in, then."

He led her up to his room and she pushed him gently away when he tried to do what they

normally did.

"I have something important to say. I - I mean I haven't been to a doctors yet, because I'm

really afraid someone will find out.."

Mark paled visibly.

"But you're sure?"

"I'm pretty sure, yeah."

He took her in his embrace

"It'll be all right. We have some time to think about what we're gonna do and I'll be with you on

this, even if I have to do it from Boston."

He was leaving for Harvard on the weekend. Would he go, now?

They sat like that for a long time. But Mark's Mom was coming soon, and Ellen didn't want to

face her.

She left with the expectation of his phone call to check on her that night.

It never came. Nor did it the next day.

So, before work on the Wednesday, she went over to his house.

There were no cars in the driveway, no movement inside.

"You must be looking for Mark." The voice came from the woman next door, out in her

housecoat to get the paper.

"Yeah, I'm one of his friends from school."

"Well, honey, they left yesterday, for Boston, to get him settled."

Those words fell like heavy blows on Ellen's soul.

She turned, and fled.

Somehow, she got through the rest of the week knowing that Ally came for a visit - before she

started her second year at medical school in Chicago. Having her closer was the only comfort

Ellen could find.

Ally arrived on Friday afternoon. Ellen joined her in their room, when Ally was in the

middle of unpacking her things. And then Ally sat on the bed and regarded Ellen, it was

a gentle scrutiny, followed a gentle question "How have you been?"

Somehow her older sister had said just the right thing in just the right way , and for the

first time in those awful few days, she began to cry.

"What's the matter, Leen?"

"Oh, Ally, I think I'm in big trouble..."


	8. 7:Can I end this journey, please?

1 **Can I end this journey, please?**

**Thanks Joyce, bestest reader lol **

"Oh no. you don't mean.."

Ellen just nodded.

"What about..."

"He's gone." Ellen managed, hoarsely.

"I'm so sorry." Ally's eyes were filled with sympathy, but her jaw was set in anger.

They sat together for a long while before Ally spoke again

"Have you given a thought to what you will do now?"

Ellen shook her head mutely.

"That's all right. You need to take your time."

Their mother came home then, and Ellen struggled to compose herself to greet her.

That night, when no one was stirring, Ellen whispered in the darkness

"Ally?"

"Yeah?"

"I can't do this .It's too much. Mom has so much to worry about already, how can I tell her? Or the rest of the family? And what about school? But most of all, most importantly I'm not ready to bear a child. Not on my own, not like this."

"There's a clinic that I know of, we sent girls there when I worked at the health services at school because they could trust it, safe and confidential."

"How would I pay?"

"Use my trust fund from Grandma and Grandpa."

"But Ally-"

"Hey, when you get yours, we'll be even. And I'll be all right till then, I swear."

"But there's another thing, too. How am I going to get away to Chicago?"

"I'll take care of it, I'll think of something so Mom won't know. Oh Ellen,these past years you must have felt so alone. I could get away, so it wasn't the same for me. But I can help you carry this burden, now, I'll be glad to."

Ellen went to sleep feeling better, but she didn't really rest until Ally said.

"Since Ellen and I missed the cabin, I thought I'd take her back to Chicago with me Monday. She can help me get settled into my new place, and I'll still have some time to visit."

"That sounds nice. I'm sure you girls will have fun."

They left Sunday and Monday morning she was in the doctor's office - they examined her and did tests.

Then they made the appointment for the Thursday. Ally accompanied her to the clinic, white, sterile, with that smell always particular to hospitals. But this wasn't one, for its services (one of them) had to be underground. But running, and accessible. Which might not have true even a few years ago.

They took her in, she was given the gown, and a kind nurse named Molly prepared her, checking her pulse and blood pressure with gentle hands, explaining clearly what would happen and then asked if there were any questions, concerns, or anything

"I'm here to listen"

Ellen would remember her for the rest of her life for those few minutes of caring.

She had to wait for the doctor , so she lay on the table and tried not to look at the instruments lined up on the table to her right. The tools that would remove some cells, and allow her to move forward, saved. The tools that would rip a potential life from her body.

Afterwards, the first person she saw was Ally, who held tightly to her hand.

She stayed there overnight, and was given antibiotics to combat the infection. Friday she stayed with Ally, who had the day off from her classes and stayed by Ellen's side the whole day.

Saturday, she felt well enough to go home. Physically, anyway.

Ally saw her off on the bus, fretting about doing so, and giving her a tight hug

"You call me"

"I will. Thank you Ally. For everything."

The bus took her back to Milwaukee, and somehow

Back at home, Ellen tried to get ready for school the next Monday. She gave up and was lying down when Laurel knocked.

"Hi there! How was your trip?"

"We had a good time. How was the lake?"

"Great. They have a new boat that goes so much faster, and the little cousins are getting so big! Can you believe that Julie's twins will be starting first grade this year?"

Julie was their cousin a few years older than Ally, a daughter of their oldest uncle, Matthew.

Laurel, perceptive as always, stopped her chatter.

"So Mark's at University, now?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sure he thinks of you. I bet he's called you already."

"No El, he hasn't, he won't."

Laurel understood, and said what Ally had wanted to

"What a jerk."

She lay down crossways and rested her head on Ellen's stomach, which made her suppress a wince, though the gesture from when they were children was meant to be comforting, but Ellen was still feeling the cramps. .

She gently sat up, looked at Laurel straight on and smoothed her little sister's hair.

"Laurel, listen to me. Don't make the same mistake I did, okay? Promise me that you won't rush to give away your heart. Promise me that."

"Okay. I do, Leen. I promise."

She wasn't sure if Laurel understood what she was promising to. And Ellen prayed that there would be a good long while before she would find out.

She endured her mother's concern on Sunday, just before church.

"Are you all right, Ellen, really? You know you can come to me with any trouble, right?"

She wished to be the little girl who could do that. But she wasn't any longer.

The words were gall, so difficult to say, but she had to.

"I know Mom. I'm fine, honest."

It wasn't a total lie, for she would be, in time, physically and emotionally recovered, with many things to direct her energy outward, with family and friends. But the deepest wounds are bound to remain invisible, or at least hidden, buried far out of anyone's reach.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 9: My Life has to go on here. **

_May, 1976 Philadelphia, Pennsylvania _

And so the years passed quickly. Ellen finished high school, and packed up her things to move to Philadelphia, where she'd been accepted to the University of Pennsylvania for her degree in Education. It didn't seem very long before her final year came around. Probably because she'd been so busy taking on extra projects for the faculty and working at a locally owned diner on the weekends, and during breaks. The first, well, it was because she was so invested in what she was doing. The second was because she needed the money to be able to finish her studies. She'd kept her grades up and been awarded scholarship, which helped, but wasn't nearly enough. And most of the time, it wasn't that bad. The owner of the diner, Millie,and Ellen had clicked almost immediately, when Ellen had seen the help wanted sign and come in to apply. That was the summer of her first year. Of course, if she really was honest, she was glad that she could bury herself in so much to do. Some of the friends she'd made teased her and called her a recluse, and there was some truth to that. She did keep to herself more often than not. It was safe, uncomplicated – and she'd learned that lesson the hard way. The one thing she could not bring herself to admit was that sometimes her life was terribly lonely. But in that final year of her studies, this was to change although that change would come in the most unlikely of circumstances. She was working the day he first came into the diner – durinig Spring Break. She spent the next few months finishing out the year with the class she was practice teaching, fulfilling the last requirements for her to graduate. The weather turned warmer, soon it was May, and the last day of school. But he was still there whenever she was at the diner. It was almost as if he knew her hours, and contrived to be a regular customer there while she was working. Things probably would have continued in this way, until she'd moved on to a job in a school, and then they would both forget the other. But it seemed fate-and concerned colleagues- had different plans. Ellen would always remember the day that they were-quite literally-given a push in each other's directions. He ordered the black coffee as he did every day he was here. The other waitress, Anna, served him. She got his coffee, and passed by Ellen, who was busing the tables, as she brought it back to him. As she did, Anna laughingly whispered in her ear "Ellen, when are you going to admit the obvious and talk to him for crying out loud?" . Millie's eyes twinkled as Ellen came behind the counter with an armful of dirty dishes.   
When she'd deposited the load, Millie shoved the coffee pot into her hand.  
"I think your Sad eyes over there needs a top up. And I also believe that you've earned your fifteen."  
Ellen's eyes widened. Her hands felt clammy immediately. As much as she liked Millie, and knew that her intentions were very good, Ellen wanted nothing more than to deter the other woman. But her boss shoved her gently by the shoulders in his direction before she had the chance to object. She smoothed the pink uniform she hated and forced herself to walk toward him, when she really would have chosen to run in the other direction.  
He was looking out the window now, and it seemed all of his attention was directed toward whatever it was he saw.  
She cleared her throat. And he turned, startled.  
"Sorry... I.. I...just.. Would you like a refill?"  
He hesitated for a brief moment, as if it was a significant decision. For all she knew, it was. It felt like a barrier had been crossed. The thought terrified her. But oddly, not as it once would have, now that she was talking to him. There was something about him she'd seen in the weeks since he'd been coming here. A brokenness that met her own was revealed in those dark brown pools, haunted eyes that cried out to her for healing.   
"Sure." he said, and a soaring relief came over her.  
"I could use it – keeps me out of trouble, working and studying."  
"I know what you mean. I've just finished my degree in Education."  
"That's great."  
"I've always wanted to teach. How about you?"  
"Well, I work just across the street. The hotel - I'm helping my dad with his business. Taking night classes too - I just have a few courses to do before I get my diploma in Engineering. Before that, I was serving in Vietnam. Marines."  
She thought instantly that that last could explain a lot about him. She said the only thing she could think to say,  
"I was an military brat myself.. My dad was Air Force."  
From that point on, their conversation was easy. She found herself sitting across from him. Before she knew it, her break was done.  
"Well, I have to go back to work. I'll see you tomorrow?"  
"Yeah, yeah. It was nice to meet you..."  
His hand reached out to her arm, the warmth of the touch lingering.  
"Ellen," she answered. "Ellen Parker."  
"I'm Chris Scott."


	10. Chapter 9 Blessings on our Love

**Thanks Joyce! I hope your computer problems are sorted out soon**

**Thank you Sporkgoddess! You're right, and I didn't think of that! I'll think of a way I can change it **

**Chapter 9: "Blessing on our love"**

_Philadelphia, September 1976 _

_This is the last morning I wake up in this apartment._.. was Ellen's first thought as she greeted her wedding day.  
Her second was that she felt a welcome calm. For the months since that blustery March day when she'd met Chris had been a whirlwind. Getting There was finishing school, and finding a job - which she had done, with the Philadelphia public school system. There was graduation, with all her family there, when Chris had completely surprised her when he said just as he dropped her off after the ceremony.  
"I know we haven't known each other that long.."  
"Yes." she had said immediately. "Yes, I will marry you. " Funny thing was, it didn't matter that they'd known each other less than half a year, nor that she had promised herself never to do this at all. Funny thing was, she felt like he had been a part of her forever. There was no need to question him or the future, because he would always be there, at her side, complementing her, and joining to her at the same time, this man who was so different from anyone she'd ever met, who was so hard to draw out of the hard shell he'd placed around himself after Vietnam...  
So she had said yes. They'd made the commitment of finding a house together. They'd used Chris's savings to put the down payment and to use her (soon to arrive) teaching salary to pay their mortgage. It was perfect. An ordinary brick house with an ordinary yard, but it was just enough space for them and one day, their children. They'd talked about that, and agreed that they would start to try in a few years . They thought they would want two children, but they would see. Ellen's school was just a ten minute walk, two streets over. There was a park just a block down. They'd gone there on the day they'd signed the papers and sat on the bench, watching the children play, and they'd dreamed of their future. It was a glorious summer, but a very full one.  
And, she smiled fondly at the memory, it hadn't made things much easier when Chris had surprised her two weeks ago with their wedding date.  
"We've got the license, I thought we should just do it. It's so much simpler. And it'll be just us, that's the best part. And you won't have to do anything, I've made all the arrangements. The Justice of the Peace on Saturday morning two weeks from now and then I'm whisking you away. Well, until Monday morning, anyway..."  
He paused.   
"You'd feel bad though, that your family wasn't there. So if this isn't what you want..."  
"Honestly? That sounds perfect."  
He grinned back at her, that smile that she didn't see too often, but that made her stomach flutter.  
Of course, Chris was proved wrong about his theory of less stress - all he'd done really was lessen the amount of time they had to get things organized. So that's why it was a relief, to actually arrive at the date with all of her things packed, everything done and plan, her clothes all picked out.  
All that remained was a few boxes to go over to the house, and Millie had volunteered to drive them over, "Better not risk the groom seeing the bride." And anyway, she argued, Ellen would need the time. Her former boss arrived at 8, just as Ellen was finishing her cereal, only a few minutes after stepping from the shower. Millie had also promised that she would be back to help her do her hair and make up.  
While Millie was gone, Ellen began to get ready. She found it amusing that she had the traditional inventory without even realizing it. The blue was her underwear, the borrowed was a tortoiseshell hair clip Millie had lent her and her something old- the gold bracelet that had belonged to her grandmother. Her something new was the most important of all, her satiny, ankle length pale yellow dress. It was a very simple style, sleeveless, with straps and an partly open back filled with a pretty cross pattern. She'd fallen in love with it in the store, and it had suited her perfectly. Her shoes were new as well, white dress sandals.  
And around her neck she fastened a necklace that held a symbol meaningful to her and Chris alone. He'd given the gold chain with the butterfly charm to her not long after they met, telling her that "butterflies make you think of change. Well good change, the very best. This is what you've brought me. Just when I thought I'd lost that.."  
And you have to me as well. She wanted to say, but couldn't through the lump in her throat.  
By 10:30, Millie had done her hair - it was in a French braid at the top, but left loose at the ends, and held by the clip-and her makeup.  
It was a fifteen minute drive after that to City Hall.  
When she arrived, she sought out the ladies' room, just to check her appearance one more time. She smiled at her reflection, finding herself in a quiet moment of gratitude and wonder. For never had she expected to come this far, and never had she expected to look in the mirror and see someone who was whole, complete. Happy. In a few minutes, Millie came.  
"They're here. I just saw Chris and John pull up. You ready kid?" "Yeah. More than ready."  
After the ceremony, they took their witnesses Millie and John out for lunch to celebrate.   
Their two friends saw them off from the restaurant  
"Saw you two would make a good couple from the first. I'm glad for you both, and I wish you the best." Millie said as she hugged Ellen tightly. She kissed Chris on the cheek.  
John clasped Ellen's hand warmly.  
"You're the best thing that happened to Chris, you know."  
He shook hands next with his old friend.  
"Take care of her, buddy, you hear?"  
"Of course I will, John. Thanks for coming."  
"I wouldn't miss it." John shifted his feet slightly. "I'm happy for you both."  
And then, they got into the car and Chris drove two hours north of the city, through the rolling hills whose trees were beginning to turn their brilliant fall colours. They came eventually to a small town. The sign said Welcome to Turner, Pennsylvania, population 500, and a then a gravel road leading to their destination. Chris pulled up in front of a large summer house, white with blue trim. The lake- Lake Turner- stretched out in front of them, sparkling in the sun. A soft breeze rustled the grass, and the oak trees along the edge of the property.   
The sign said "Carter's bed and breakfast."  
"Oh Chris," she breathed. "It's lovely. Thank you"  
"I thought you'd like it. I know the people who run this place. We used to come to this lake every summer when I was kid, until my mother..."  
Ellen squeezed his hand. He had told her about his mother's long illness, her death when he was 15. And about being left alone with the hotel and his father. His decision to take another path and join the military - his escape, or so it began...   
They went in to register. Ellen picked up the pen to fill in the information on the guest card while Chris got the keys. He looked over her shoulder and smiled when he saw that she'd written "Mr and Mrs. Scott"  
"It looks good, doesn't it?" he asked her softly, and nuzzled her neck.  
"Definitely."  
They unpacked and then took a walk down to the lake, removing their shoes and letting the waves lap at their feet, the water was cold, but the afternoon was quite warm.  
They walked down the mile of the gravel road into town, and along the main street, and got their dinner at the town's one restaurant, attached to its only hotel.  
Later, the Carters provided a bottle of champagne- that was something else good, there were no other guests that weekend, since the end of the season was fast approaching- and they shared a glass in their room. Then, silently, Ellen got up and he pulled her to him. His fingers twined in her hair as his lips claimed hers gently.  
He reached for the buttons of her blouse.  
Their union that night was different from what Ellen had known before, for that had hit her with all the force of passion. But it was better. For with Chris, there was music, slow and soft, and the sweetest she'd ever heard.

The sky was grey the next day, and she could hear the rain on the roof. Cocooned with her new husband, though, the weather couldn't have been better as far as Ellen was concerned. It was late by the time they stirred, and got themselves dressed and ready.  
Downstairs breakfast was waiting for them. By late afternoon, they were back in Philadelphia. Chris carried her over the threshold of their new home. What made Ellen nervous was the most difficult part of what they'd done – revealing it to their families. it was the following Saturday that Ellen's sisters and her mother came for a visit, and so did Chris' father, invited for dinner.  
Ellen was trying not to panic about the house, about the food, about everything when the doorbell rang. Fred Scott, her father-in-law, came over at two to catch part of the baseball game on TV with Chris. But first, Chris gave the tour of the new house. Chris hadn't told his father much about them, from what she could gather, but that was to be expected between men. She knew that Fred had no idea she lived here now, that they were married. That, they would have to tell him. If he didn't figure it out by the tour. She prepared the chicken to be cooked for dinner as she waited for them to finish.  
"This will be a nice place for you." she could hear Fred say. She smiled. "Now, I have been shamefully neglectful and haven't said hello to your pretty girlfriend." She could hear their footsteps toward the kitchen.  
Chris was silent for a minute, and then softly  
"She's a bit more than my girlfriend now, Dad," he said, as they stood in the door. Ellen watched confusion, understanding, then shock cross the older man's face.  
But then, he smiled widely.  
"Well, I never thought you had it in you, son. Congratulations. A smart move, you ask me." and he winked at her. Then, he embraced them both, and asked her,  
"Now when do I get to meet your family?"  
"They'll be here tonight."  
"Good."  
Ellen's mother came with Ally and Laurel in tow an hour later. They hadn't been all together in a long time, so it was a welcome reunion. Ellen saw that they were settled, and introduced to Fred. And then she began hesitantly.  
"Thanks for coming.. There's something I need to tell you. You see, I hadn't expected... but then, Chris had it all planned, he surprised me.."  
She held the ring out for them to see.  
Nineteen year old Laurel squealed and tackled Ellen in a fierce bear hug.  
Ally was more reserved, but she was beaming, took Ellen in her arms when Laurel gave her the chance.  
"I'm so glad you found one of the good ones, little sis. And I have to say, I've never seen you so content." Ellen's mother's eyes sparkled with tears, but they weren't from sadness, Ellen saw.   
"How romantic. And Ally's right. I'm so proud of you." She went to Ellen, kissed her forehead, and hugged her close.  
Then she drew back.  
"And after all, you may have eloped, and Ally may have decided never to marry, but I still have Laurel, right honey?"  
Laurel laughed.  
"Thanks very much you two. See what you've left me with?"  
A little while later, everyone was talking and eating around the table. Ellen slipped to the kitchen to fill the mashed potato bowl. Also, to breathe a large sigh of relief. They had accepted Chris and Ellen's news, and were getting along wonderfully. She couldn't have asked for more. 


	11. Chapter 10 When Nothing Keeps Us Apart

**Chapter 10: "When Nothing Keeps us Apart"**

_Philadelphia Pennsylvania,_

_September 1977_

Ellen was in a hurry to be home from work. She had to stop at the store, still. And it figured that it would be raining and the traffic would be horrible. Of course, she did have a lovely evening to look forward to. That is if she could get to the grocery store and get her dinner on.

She was planning something special for their first anniversary. She had woken up to flowers and breakfast from Chris, but she had her own plans in the works even then.

She grabbed what she needed from the store and got home by six o'clock. Luckily Chris would be home by 7:00 because he had an after work meeting his group for veterans. She had encouraged him to go , it was good for him. And now she could surprise him. The first thing she did was put in the potatoes to bake. She frosted the quick and easy chocolate cake- a recipe her grandmother had taught her a long time ago-she had made the night before. Then, she prepared the carrots and peas she had frozen from her garden that summer. Chris would enjoy them again, she thought, steamed with a little butter, and she wouldn't forget the sour cream for the potatoes. His favourite food was simple.

She put the pot of vegetables at the back of the stove because they could wait for the heat. She set the table, carefully, with two settings of her best linen napkins and dishes from her mother. She added the flowers from the morning and candles. She heated the pan for the steaks, and put the meat on carefully. She added the onions and mushrooms to make it special.

The phone rang just as she was doing that.

"Hi Leen!"

She smiled

"Lor. How's it going?" Her little sister had been married a few months after Ellen - her full wedding had been their mother's dream. The last time they talked, Ellen had been pretty sure that Laurel was pregnant, but had advised her to make an appointment.

"It's going great. Got some news. Are you busy?"

"Not for you. What is your news?" Ellen tried not to assume but felt her skin prickle. She tucked the

phone between her shoulder and ear, so she could check the meat.

"I wanted you,Ally and Mom to be the first to know. Matt and I..I went to the doctor today and, well the test was positive. We're having a baby."

Ellen couldn't help her excitement. She felt a bit nervous or hesitant too. It was her baby sister, that

was probably it. Laurel had a knack for jumping in with two feet, though.

jumping in.

"I'm so happy for you Lor. I had a feeling, I told you."

"You know, I knew that but I think I needed it to sink in."

"I bet. Well how are you feeling?"

"Good so far. Now that I've said that I will start to be sick in five minutes."

The pan of steak sizzled, and Ellen stirred the onions and mushrooms.

"Sounds like you're busy." Laurel

" I'm just cooking dinner for Chris and I. Trying to make it a bit celebratory."

"That's right, happy anniversary! Should have said that before."

"I'll give you a pass this once."

"Got an excuse, don't I? Of course, I do remember your announcement though. The most memorable wedding I never attended."

Ellen couldn't help laughing.

"And you'll keep reminding me every chance you get."

"Probably."

"But seriously, how does it feel?"

She bit her lip and turned the steaks.

"I...well it's been wonderful. We're still strong. But it's a lot of work. But it's worth it, I know."

Laurel paused on the other end of the line.

"Chris is... well I never met a guy quite like him. I mean that in the best way though. You're right he IS worth sticking with."

Ellen replied, "That's exactly it. I mean, he doesn't talk about it, but I can guess about the things he did, saw, and went through. He needs time, at the very least. It'll be okay."

"It will, for sure. Look, I'd better call Mom and Ally. I wanted to do the conference call thing but couldn't make it work. I'm just going to tell each of them they were the first to know."

"Probably easiest in the long run. They won't hear differently from me, promise. Take care of yourself, okay?"

Laurel laughed this time. "What else can I do with Matt hovering? Have a great time tonight. We'll talk soon."

"Sure. Bye for now."

By the time she had rung off with her sister, it was 6:45. The steaks were nicely cooked. She put the vegetables to steam and took five minutes to see to her appearance upstairs. She changed into her black dress slacks and a pink blouse, put on the butterfly necklace, fixed her hair, and put on lipstick. She hurried back downstairs to see to the last preparations.

Chris greeted her with a deep kiss when he came in the door.

"It smells great honey."

"It's ready. Come and sit down."

They enjoyed their dinner together. Ellen was happy to have the time to sit down and talk, and actually Chris told her something about the meeting he'd been to.

HE asked about her day too.

"Good, good, work was fine, kids being kids but no disasters."

"But I like the disaster stories." Chris teased her.

"Well I get a grey hair every time, you don't want that."

"Doesn't matter to me."

The way he looked at her told her he was serious.

_For life... _

She reached out to squeeze his hand lightly.

"I did get some exciting news from Laurel though. She's expecting."

"That's great news."

It will be fun to be aunt and uncle together."

Chris looked at her steadily, those eyes seeming to go right through her as they always did. So filled with pain.

I've been thinking... being an Uncle, well that'll be great, but you know what we talked about? I don't know if I can be Dad yet . I DO want that, I know I do. We agreed on that. But Ellen, the last few days, I've been wondering if I need more time. I decided at the meeting I needed to tell you, and sorry it came out like this... "

_Last week he said he wanted to start trying for a baby at the end of the month._..

"I just see all those guys, and it only reminds me how far I have come, but how far I still need to come too."

_Yes. Come to sleeping peacefully through the night, for example..._

She chose her words carefully, always carefully around Chris.

"We have lots of time, Chris. We need to both be in the right place. For our sake, but especially for the child's sake. It's all right."

_True, oh true.. but why I am always the one who has to say _It's all right..

He took his hand from hers, to put it against her cheek, in the way that always reassured and calmed her. He smiled in that way that almost instantly warmed her desire.

She smiled back.

"Are you finished? I have some chocolate cake. And then...well I was thinking.."

"Why don't we have our dessert upstairs? I like that idea."

Later, Chris held her and told her how happy he was. She snuggled against him, feeling so relaxed. She'd thrown on Chris' Marines' t-shirt, her clothes discarded in a pile on the floor, her pyjamas in the drawer. But she didn't want to move. She answered him

"Me too. Me too. Very happy."

"I love you Mrs Scott."

She smiled, warm now all through.

"And I love you"

Soon, Chris drifted into the sleep of one sated.

She found her mind turning though, refusing to rest.

The dinner had been wonderful, and afterwards even better. They were good together, she knew that. But their conversation about becoming parents had disturbed her. It reminded her of the wounds Chris bore that hadn't healed, the things he seemed to be intent on hiding from her. It wasn't that she believed he was obligated to share everything with her, but they were married and she thought it had meant they could rely on each other and trust each other with secrets. It wasn't that she cared he cried out a woman's name in his sleep, she knew it was a long time ago, but whatever it was haunted him so badly. The only way he could have a hope of healing from it was to face it, to speak about it, out loud, having made his own decision to do so. (she knew asking him directly would do no good) But he couldn't, or wouldn't. And in the meantime, it was unfair to both of them.

_Hypocrite... _

But what was she supposed to do? She hadn't thought about her own scars from the past, really. She had thought about helping Chris to leave Vietnam, to think about and plan for a goal for his future, to calm his troubled dreams.

_But that was the way you wanted it, so you could avoid carrying your own baggage..._

_No._

Beside her, Chris shifted uneasily in his sleep. "Kim, Kim..," the same desperate cry.

She took him in his arms.

She stroked his hair, murmuring reassurance and all the while feeling desperate herself. She held him closer, putting her head against his.

_Oh Chris, I can't help you like this. I remember you told me I am your shadowchaser. Well, I can't chase them if I don't know where they are. What have I done, that you don't feel secure enough to tell me yet?_

Chris' body eased and fell back into sleep. She gently shifted him back to the pillow.

She lightly traced his cheekbone with her finger.

_I meant the promise I made, when I became your wife. I mean that promise, now. I trust you to let me in, I trust that we can move forward together. So I will be here, waiting. _


End file.
